My Little World10

dammit, when i was writing my list of potential women i forgot one who i hadn't seen in a while, she came and sat next to me in a lecture and i'm like "oh, hello" completely forgetting her, whoops, i was quite impressed with her block when i went back with her

mind is filled with organisation (or lack of) work to do over the next week, many things to sort out, i shall crawl on until the hols in a few weeks, when i will have several essays to write, woo....hoo

still gotta sort out xmas pressies and send them abroad, my mind is so confused, i like it straight and orderly, wonder if that penseive thing dumbledore uses is available...don't get me started on that latest offering from hollywood (does it count as hollywood...you get the point anyway) 

life is strange, went home for the weekend, was good to have a rest

lots of my friends back home have moved on and left, as sad as it sounds i still know lots of people at my old work tho, but i felt more accepted back home than up here, i dunno, i think its just because i dont like men and up here i have to live with some

just spoke to my girl in nz, im happy while we talk then i come down to earth with a thud when we finish, talking about the future and so forth makes me feel miserable about not seeing her, o well, hopefully my xmas pressie will be good

ive got my car to play with now, so thats a good thing, and i won a fair bit of cash from a scratchcard so id say today was a fairly good day, need to settle back into uni i think

i just feel so...lost? helpless? in limbo? something like that

well, i'm home, stuck in the spare room full of unused bedding with little space to move...great

slightly worried that i won't have my room back when i come home for xmas, a whole month without any space would be annoying

also started worrying about what to do next year for living arrangements, i don't know who i want to live with, or who wants to live with me, i don't really feel close enough to my flatmates to live with them, although i could, i don't want to live with a bunch of men...if i stayed in halls, all my friends would leave, suppose i wouldn't mind making new ones, everybody else i know seems to have gotten really close to some people and already sorting it out

hopefully i can go out this weekend, hoping my old friends haven't abandoned me

that's about it, need to think of a good present idea still... 

it is bloody freezing up here, fortunately i'm going home tomoro and can beat the snow, if it ever appears, so i'm fairly happy about going home, also got a firsts for an essay i did so am pretty happy tonight....is good day

not a lot happening really, apparently my kiwi girl is just stressed from exams (end of year there) and is getting me a rather good xmas pressie, so now i have to think of something good too, she's one of the hardest people i know to buy for, she likes sentimental stuff whereas i just like cool, funny stuff, so i want to get something she'll really appreciate, like i did for her 21st

tomoro night i shall be tucking in to mammoth amounts of real food....should be happy for a few days, still would be nice to cuddle up with someone in this cold 

well, internet is working now, couldn't write how bored i was at 2am last nite

still don't know what to do with regards to women, i'm just gonna stay single til something happens, not worth the effort, i've decided i miss real friends who i can just bugger about with, drinking and going clubbing gets very old very quick for me and i don't enjoy going out with groups of men 

i was talking to an ozzy friend and she was complaining in a similar way to me, we decided we both have complexes, possibly if coldplay wasn;t on the radio i might cheer up in a minute - never know, my feelings mite be that shallow

i am too lazy to work as well which is depressing, and why am i looking forward to going home? i don't exactly get homesick, i wanna go back to ozzy, possibly live in a cave 

maybe i have a commitment problem, i never follow anything up, i'm not sure what this one girl i know thinks of me, we get on really well and are getting fairly close but i'm not sure in which way and where she wants to go and also a nice young thing from back home was saying how she missed me (altho i think she still has a bf)...great, more for me to think about

if i write a list maybe, i don't want to put names in here but i'll remember

Kiwi girl (i need to think of a better term for her)

Attractive posh blonde from over the road

Aforementioned girl from my course

Girl who i was getting fairly close to before i left home

Girl who i knew back home and was fairly flirty with me but has a bf, i think and there are countless other ideas running through my head...why isn't life more straightforward...i only want one...here! is that too much?? 

obviously this is making me feel better, tho from writing it down maybe it shouldn't be, plus lack of work and going home in a few days makes me happy so not too bad for once 

writing jibberish now...enough 

If i write this thing for say...a year or even til the end of the academic year in June, what am i going to think about myself? i'll probably be the same, but i might realise how boring i am

managed to get to a quiet part of the term work-wise so i'm going home on friday for a rest and get some real food

women wise i'm the same screwed up individual, last contact with my foreign girl was mixed signals - platonic with accounts of dreams, i felt it was a fairly platonic message at the end of it, but the last one was the complete opposite, doesn't she realise she's giving me doubts!!!??

On the other hand rather attractive blonde girl who i thought blanked me the other day thought i was blanking her, so not sure where i can go with that line of enquiry, hoping there's some light at the end of the tunnel on that one but i don't know...not that involved at the mo

what to do, what to do 

well, my suicidal friend is talking 2 me again, she seems to have returned to normal but i'm trying to stay a bit further away from her, not because she's nuts but because i think she fancies me and i really don't want to lead her on

not a lot to say today, i overslept and missed the walk across town in sub zero temps this morning, oh well least i'm going home next weekend, can drive everywhere instead

uni work is boring and finding it hard to get enthusiastic, i'm becoming more and more detatched from reality, i just like day dreaming a lot rather than bothering to do things with people

why does weird shit always happen to me? last night one of my friends tried to kill herself - not very successfully i might add but it still scared the shit out of me - she's screwed in the head i've decided and now she refuses to talk to me, the whole thing started because of some tiny little issue with her boyfriend - i've never seen someone act so irrationally before (while sober)

i think that's enough for todays entry, the usual things are still about, cant be bothered to think too hard today 

well im depressed...again - is it a hormonal thing or what?

slightly concerned on who's my friend round these parts - i declined to go out with a group of friends because its always the same girl who gets me to come out - is she the only reason why i am friends with all of them? i'm not interested in her at all! she says she was once for a while but isn't now, she has a boyfriend and i really don't want to get involved with her...just not my type

one of my kiwi friends reckons i'm good looking, this made me laugh slightly and cheered me up, she also reassured me about uni work so i'm not as bad as i could be but i'm still...i dunno

i just feel i have noone to really trust at the moment...it's annoying, and the person who is growing closer to me is someone who i don't want to grow close to me!! sounds stupid i know but i really don't want to be that involved with her...maybe i'm too fussy or something, but there's other people i'd rather be close to 

why does every entry end with me wanting to go back down under?? is that just what i should do? ahhhhhhhhh!!! i hate reality