My Little World10

this is just a repeat of the last post

what the hell is wrong with me, my friend just gets to me

i dont know why, i just feel wrong about her - i feel like a second rate friend basically

she still always talks to my other flatmate, today i rung her, basically as an experiment, she was in car, she rung back and spoke to him far more and about other stuff - we only spoke for a few minutes and i asked was she ok, she said fine, so i'm out of something here - obviously i know you dont have to share everything, but it's always been this way for nearly 3 years

i dont think anyone else feels this way, so clearly i have issues

ok firstly im not in love with her, shes getting married and i have no problem with that, but am i just jealous of their friendship?

im sure not all friendships are best friend level, but maybe i just feel too close and don't feel it's reciprocated, maybe i cant have anything else, character flaw

it's something like i dont want to give unless im getting the same back, and i don't feel that

maybe im just competitive, cant deal with a better friendship, because the fact is she'll always go to him, not me - but that to me isn't what i call a friend - i know im a good listener, im just some bloke to her, maybe ill get a christmas card

so basically i don't want to get involved, and i think im trying to get myself out of this, at least mentally

defence mechanism? im a selfish coward, im not putting myself out there just to lose her friendship in a couple of years when im not living with my flatmate and im a nobody...why bother if she actually doesnt care? he's her friend, im a sidekick

yeah i'm an egomaniac, maybe i want too much, im emotionally stunted and untrusting (that a word?) so i want out, i only want the few very good friendships i have because i fear everyone else will just f off

urgh, she reassures me but i still feel like this, maybe it was the whole thing a few weeks ago that sunk in - stupid brain, why do i care?