My Little World10

this is just a repeat of the last post

what the hell is wrong with me, my friend just gets to me

i dont know why, i just feel wrong about her - i feel like a second rate friend basically

she still always talks to my other flatmate, today i rung her, basically as an experiment, she was in car, she rung back and spoke to him far more and about other stuff - we only spoke for a few minutes and i asked was she ok, she said fine, so i'm out of something here - obviously i know you dont have to share everything, but it's always been this way for nearly 3 years

i dont think anyone else feels this way, so clearly i have issues

ok firstly im not in love with her, shes getting married and i have no problem with that, but am i just jealous of their friendship?

im sure not all friendships are best friend level, but maybe i just feel too close and don't feel it's reciprocated, maybe i cant have anything else, character flaw

it's something like i dont want to give unless im getting the same back, and i don't feel that

maybe im just competitive, cant deal with a better friendship, because the fact is she'll always go to him, not me - but that to me isn't what i call a friend - i know im a good listener, im just some bloke to her, maybe ill get a christmas card

so basically i don't want to get involved, and i think im trying to get myself out of this, at least mentally

defence mechanism? im a selfish coward, im not putting myself out there just to lose her friendship in a couple of years when im not living with my flatmate and im a nobody...why bother if she actually doesnt care? he's her friend, im a sidekick

yeah i'm an egomaniac, maybe i want too much, im emotionally stunted and untrusting (that a word?) so i want out, i only want the few very good friendships i have because i fear everyone else will just f off

urgh, she reassures me but i still feel like this, maybe it was the whole thing a few weeks ago that sunk in - stupid brain, why do i care? 

me and my sporadically updated blog are back - and this time i actually have something personal to write about, been a while...

well, at the weekend i had my last formal ball at uni, my flatmate invited one of his oldest (female) friends, who happens to be quite fit and who i get on with pretty well

then we get into soap-style drama territory, despite the fact that i arrived back at about 2 and they didn't come back til 3, she decided it would be a good idea to jump into my bed - i'll let your imagination fill in the rest, needless to say i got no sleep

now we were quite worried about my flatmate's reaction, he doesn't seem to mind and tbh she has done it with other friends before, so maybe we just watch too many tv shows - so that's not too bad

my main concern is where does it go from here? - she was drunk, drunker than me (but not drunk enough to not be able to bolt my door) but she was saying things like I 'meant more to her than she means to me' - it was confusing and she was drunk, i figure she fancies me, which is something i haven't been used to for a while, and i guess the fact that she jumped on me rather than me doing anything would suggest it was quite one-way - but i'm a bloke! and i wasn't exactly going to try it on with one of my best friend's best friends, there's always been something there - we flirt and seem to be pretty similar people but i've never sought to follow it up, i do like her but tbh i've never taken it that seriously, i don't fantasise about her or anything which seemed to be the level she was implying

i have at this point realised i am emotionally void, have been for a few years and i don't know if this will go any further - whether that means physical or relationship or something - unfortunately i can't really discuss it because to avoid awkwardness only my flatmate and one other friend  know what happened, we neglected to tell everyone else - and the other friend probably isn't the best to talk about this with considering the sexual tension between us (yes, i am great at creating sexual tension - the manifestations however are very rare)

and to top it off we leave uni in a month, so i won't be seeing much of her unless i go to visit my flatmate at his home, which i might do over summer

the good news is she's still talking to me online and seems quite flirty so i don't think she regrets it, and she was quite complimentary (i won't believe that just yet) so hopefully she still likes me, but i know she is fairly 'loose' - not to be too rude, she's not a slag or anything but i know she's quite active, meanwhile i'm stoic and unemotional so i don't know what the hell is going on - i feel quite bad about the whole 'i like you but you don't like me'

urgh, i don't know - just gotta move on i guess 

i really should be doing an essay - it's my last one!! (i graduate soon) - but i'm lazy

so Labour lost the local elections - abysmally

they were always going to lose - just to clarify they have lost 9 councils from their prior 27 (159 were voting) - this was only about a third of england and wales and a lot of it was tory heartland anyway - pretty fortunate really, but they lost places like bury and reading and were clear losers - i'm just pointing out this isn't a full test - but they did lose 331 councillors, 200 was reckoned to be a very bad pre-election, so that went well... 

Boris also looks likely to win london - the old issue of why should us non-londoners really care - it causes a lot of resentment because whilst it is the capital and seat of government london is only a part of britain and the mayor has little effect on britain itself - yet it receives national attention for obvious reasons

i was going to try and critique Red Ken - but i really can't - because i don't have a full understanding of london economics in the past decade - i've got socialists in one ear going on about economic prosperity (like i know if HE is responsible for that??) and others going on about rising tax and worsening services, oh and he's a crook (the one thing he admits to on national tv) - i'm not inclined towards him but from what i've london has probably not suffered under him

however i dislike the argument that because he's been there 8 years he should just stay - this is labour's new tactic and frankly it's great - is edward heath still alive? how about lloyd george? they have experience

so what did he do? from my limited knowledge 1. he helped get the olympics - ok good, mostly - but the cost of the olympics has quadrupled at least and is rising - he has even admitted that he knew this before the bid because he felt london needed more funding - if that's not a joke i don't know what is

london produces more per capita than it spends - the reverse scotland argument then, this is hardly unsurprising in one of the world's largest cities which houses the HQs of the biggest banks and multinationals - London should just be gouging itself with all that money it makes rather than tax spread evenly across the STATE - unless london is going for independence and i haven't heard - i expect places like southampton and birmingham make more than they get too, and lets not forget a lot of communities feed commuters for places like london - pathetic argument

i've always taken the view that london can handle itself - bear in mind the mayor was only created in 2000 - it was the powerhouse of the world for how long? 

so london will get boris - the ultimate tory, a bumbling etonian who many think will fail - personally i have faith enough in my bureacracy that it doesn't allow politicians too much raw power over economic matters and he'll be harmless, it's only the mayor (please don't let me eat my words) - but at the same time boris has got in without any form of policy, based on the general popularity of his entertaining style than any actual substance - still, might be fun...

the tories seriously need to sort it out - they're still not liked and being headed by the likes of cameron, boris and george osbourne (all aristocratic eton-types) - they are not popular and seem to offer nothing, but could well sweep away labour because of their utter collapse

now i am fully in support of ousting labour - i am absolutely fed up of seeing labour spouting crap and dodging questions to avoid actually admitting how badly they cocked up - whether you think it's policy or leadership they have seriously gone wrong and have effectively resorted to political name calling - i appreciate that every government will do this but at least at the start it might show some promise - this is just bare-faced denial - brown is an awful leader, and i have always said this, but he wasn't elected or even opposed so i guess that's no-one's fault

but why do we have to get tories?? seriously labour are so bad that most people will vote for a bunch of right-wing tossers who have loosely allied themselves to a 'green' policy - cameron is a wannabe blair at the head of tories rather than socialists - and he lacks blair's charm

this could easily be a time for change and instead we'll be subjected to a few years of tory misrule - personally i would vote lib dem (they have no experience!!) because they tend to take the sensible rather than popular route - the parties that have commanded loyalty for so long are laughable, people are rightly saying 'labour are awful' but why vote for tories? what have they done except be the second largest party - go independent if you must, hang the parliament but if we elect a conservative majority it will be just as bad