My Little World10

ahh, life can be a bitch sometimes

so we're back on the topic of kiwi girl, and it's something i haven't written about for ages, mainly because i tried to put it out of my mind while i was at uni,

until recently when we had a big chat and opened up, our feelings and what not and realised we both cared far too much - and since then we've been spending hours chatting, maybe about 2 whole nights a week

she gives me subtle hints about how she feels, her best friend, she's my best friend too, but it's sort of like when you marry someone and say theyre your best friend - i'm beginning to understand that now

thing is, she lives around the world and we won't be seeing each other for at least a year

we had probably the most open conversation yet this morning, and she nearly said it - and i wish i could say it myself, but i'm scared of ruining it if she doesn't say the same thing, but weve found we often hide these things that we actually both feel, and im feeling fairly confident she does - setting myself up for a fall

she said that we've reached the limited of what we cant say in person, it's true, i want to be with her, just hold her and nothing i can write can do anything about that, unless it earns me a few thousand quid

i hope she's just holding back for that very reason, it's pointless to take something so seriously over the internet and if we can't be together then she doesnt want to get hurt - i truly hope that's how it is, because that would be great

she also said she was scared we might not both feel the same way in person - now that to me suggests she's worried i wont reciprocate, rather than thinking i love her when she doesn't want me, which would be pretty horrible for her 

she's guarded, and can be hard to read, but all the things lately point the right way - but i just want her right here, right now, i want to tell her and it feels so bad, of course what happens in person also worries me, i hope she feels the same way - she also said something about how we feel in a year, hoping neither of us finds someone else, which we both worry about - surely she feels the same??

i just want to say it! and how am i supposed to wait over a year to do that! i keep saying grab the moment to her, but i do exactly the same thing because im not jumping on a plane right now

oh and then tehre's living arrangements if it works out...i'm hoping to get over the love part first and see what happens - is this the ultimate sexual tension???